Emotions in the Workplace

Emotions in the workplace

One of the hardest things about being human is that sometimes life hits us with very powerful and very painful experiences—emotions that we can’t just ignore. 

Emotional pain is one of the great disrupters in life and in the workplace. Good leaders don’t ignore pain, but they don’t succumb to it either: they lead through it and they find ways to help others do the same.

When confronted with pain, a good leader will acknowledge it and then determine the best way through it. Sometimes, going through it means taking time away to grieve fully. Other times, it means acknowledging it and then putting it to the side to be dealt with later. 

Putting it aside isn’t ignoring it or stuffing the feelings far from your reach. Putting it aside in a healthy way means that you focus your attention on what needs to be done while putting your emotional response on hold until you have the space, support, or sanctuary to feel your feelings fully.

Ignoring feelings is repression, which is dangerous because the feelings will eventually resurface—usually at the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong people. 

You’ve seen it; it’s the rage that comes from an incidental mishap, or the fury that follows a minor failure. Rage and fury are usually misplaced emotions that are born out of unreconciled pain and grief.

The next time you find yourself filled with emotions and having to be present at work, take these four steps so that you’re able to lead yourself forward:

  1. Breathe – not just once, in and out slowly for at least a full minute. 

    Breathing will open up some brain space (and decrease your emotional reactivity) so that you can figure out what’s next.

  2. Sort – the feelings from the thoughts that you’re having about the feelings. 

    There’s nothing wrong with feeling the feelings you have. But, people get into trouble when they ascribe thoughts to those feelings and then act on the thoughts.

  3. Plan – what needs to happen to move forward.  

    You can use the emotions you’ve felt (or that others are exhibiting) as data that will inform your next move, but it should be in addition to other information. You don’t necessarily want to rely on emotional data alone.

  4. Take Action – on the plan you’ve made, and if you’re presented with new data, use that information to create a more effective plan.

There are many reasons why emotions show up in the workplace. Sometimes, they’re brought in from outside, and sometimes they’re the result of what’s happening at the office. Either way, understanding that you can take action rather than succumbing to the feelings (even if they are strong feelings) increases your presence and your agility as a leader.

See you next week,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

If you'd like support in developing strategies to manage emotions in your workplace, click here to contact us about our coaching services.
 

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A Great Kitchen Won’t Make You a Great Chef

Person learning to cook in kitchen.

We have a friend who has one of the most beautiful kitchens we’ve ever seen. This kitchen has everything: amazing appliances, workstations, lighting, and amenities. It would make professional chefs drool and is truly an inspiring sight to behold.

When talking about the kitchen, we asked, “Who’s the chef?” We know that our friend (let’s call her Sara) can barely heat soup and so we were curious about who was going to be using this amazing kitchen. Sara stated, “Well, I’m hoping to do more cooking but you know me, I’ll probably just order in.”

Her comment reminded us, with a gorgeous analogy, what we find in many leaders. People set up the room to lead, but they don’t do the work to learn how to lead. We hear this all the time when leaders say things like:

  • I have an open door policy.
  • I walk around the office once a week.
  • I want people to give me feedback; I can’t help it if they don’t.
  • I put inspiring posters in the cubicle areas.
  • People should take initiative more often and not bother me with the small stuff.

Just as a good kitchen is a nice start to becoming a chef, this list of activities is an important part of good leadership. But just as a chef needs to learn to chop vegetables and make a good roux, a good leader needs to learn how to influence others and how to be influenced by others.

If you haven’t seen our innovative definition of Leadership, it’s simply:

The willingness to influence your world
and the willingness to be influenced by your world,
regardless of role or title.
 

When it comes to leading, a lot of leaders understand the need to influence your world (others), but things go sideways when they get to the second half of the equation—being influenced by your world (others).

Many leaders understand the importance of this feedback loop, but they just don’t get how to make it happen. Teaching others how to influence you is critical to good leadership.

To lead effectively you need people in your sphere who know how and when to push back on you so that you make better decisions. Surrounding yourself with critical thinkers is far more effective than being surrounded by “yes men” and “yes women.”

This week, we encourage you to think about the people in your life who you influence (whether at work, home or in the community) and determine whether or not you have taught them to effectively influence you. (If you’re unsure if people know how to influence you, the best thing to do is to ask them with an open and curious mind!)

Let’s get cookin’!
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

If you’d like support to develop strategies to influence and be influenced by, we’re here to help. Click here to contact us about our coaching services.
 

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5 Career Killing Moves

Image of pencil being sharpened. - 5 Career Killing Moves

We recently came upon some great research that describes the 5 habits that can derail a career. We thought this was a great list to help you as you lead and manage others.

David Maxfield of VitalSmarts interviewed managers from different industries who identified the five top career killers they’ve witnessed in their employees:

  1. Being disorganized and unreliable. This person doesn’t spend the necessary amount of time planning, organizing, communicating, and coordinating with others. They fail to follow through on commitments and are difficult to rely upon.
  2. Doing too little too late. This person procrastinates, misses deadlines, and cuts corners rather than going the extra mile to produce great work.
  3. Deflecting blame. This is the person who says, “It’s not my job.” They don’t take responsibility, cling to their job description, and are unwilling to sacrifice personal interests for a larger goal.
  4. Being unwilling to change. This person is stuck in the past, complaining about the future, and repeating the same mistakes. They expect others to accept them as they are, dragging their feet in taking on new approaches.
  5. Having a bad attitude. This person suffers from cynicism and negativity. They are often the contrarian, finding fault before looking for benefits.

We bet that you read this list and said, “No surprise there.” You’ve probably seen or even experienced at least one of these behaviors in the last 48 hours. Many managers see these career-ending behaviors in others, but they have no idea how to manage in the face of it.

We worked with a client who had inherited a high functioning department and so climbed high in the organization. When he was faced with a new department that wasn’t very high functioning, he floundered.

He came to us dumbfounded—nothing that used to work with his highly functioning team was working here. He was failing as a manager because he had no idea how to manage a team and was overly worried about being labeled a micromanager.

We’ve found that too many managers today are so afraid of being called a micromanager that they fail to manage at all. We’ve coached numerous managers and leaders who’ve said that they see the bad behaviors of their staff—including many of the behaviors listed above—but they have no idea what to do about it, so they do nothing.

Getting someone to see their bad behaviors and then to take action to correct those behaviors is not easy. But it can be done with consistent feedback that is actionable and fair.

Telling someone once that they need to “stop being disorganized” will do nothing to change that person’s organizational abilities. You have to manage based on the behaviors—determine what success looks like for them and coach to that goal.

Management is not ‘one size fits all.’
You have to be willing to get to know your direct reports and to work with them to grow their skill set.
 

As a manager, you’re in a great position to support the growth of your direct reports by developing the skills they need to succeed in your department or group. If they want to work at it, great! But if not, don’t be afraid to manage them out. Maxfield reported, “(In our research we found that) 70% of employees who were aware that their boss was unhappy with their performance, couldn’t tell you what they were doing wrong or how they were going to change it.”

Remember, being a great leader and manager doesn’t mean letting your team do whatever they want. It’s important that they’re just as invested (if not more) in their career than you.

By giving them regular, consistent, and specific feedback on how their behavior is affecting the team, department, or organization, you’re letting them know that you think they’re of value enough to try and help them grow. And don’t only give negative feedback! Your team also needs to know what they’re doing right.

Think about this list of bad habits and consider if anyone on your team is exhibiting these types of behaviors. If so, it may be time to sit down with them and provide them with some key feedback. (If you see yourself doing any of these behaviors, it’s time to own it and to take the steps necessary to work with someone who can give you actionable feedback on how to address them.)

Let us know how it goes. We’re rooting for you.
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

If you’re a new manager and would like 1:1 coaching to help you be a kick@ss leader with your team, we’d love to talk with you.
Click here to contact us today.
 

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Benefits, Concerns, and Suggestions

Benefits, Concerns, Suggestions

One of the biggest complaints we hear from people who are passionate about leading others to success is that they have trouble getting them engaged and on board with important decisions. We’re not just talking about your work team or organization, we’re also talking about your family, your friends, a board you’re a member of, etc. 

So today, we want to share with you 3 simple questions that you can ask that will engage people with the decision you’re considering and help foster alignment.

Remember, people are more likely to promote what they’ve helped to create.

Unfortunately, asking people “How’s it going?” doesn’t create engagement. Despite the best of intentions, this is where many leaders we’ve worked with go wrong. They understand theoretically that they’ll have greater success if they have an engaged staff, but most don’t know how to make that happen. 

You’ll start to see a difference in engagement when you can teach people how to provide input that you can actually use and can take action on. These 3 simple questions will help you to create a culture where people know they can influence decisions—because you’re them teaching how they can genuinely make an impact. 

These questions, when asked in this order, are very powerful.

  1. What are the benefits of this idea (proposal, plan, strategy, initiative, approach)?
  2. What are your concerns about this idea (proposal, plan, strategy, initiative, approach)?
  3. What suggestions do you have about this idea (proposal, plan, strategy, initiative, approach)?
Yes, we really mean that you have to ask them in this order. Let us explain why the order is so important.

When you start by asking for the benefits first, you change the focus from one of poking holes in a new idea or of saying nothing, to having them sit back and think in new ways about how the plan can work for them, for the team, for the organization, for the family, etc. 

This question changes the conversation and actually shifts how they conceptualize their concerns and helps them align with you to create success when they offer their suggestions.

The next question asks for their concerns about the idea and not a judgment of it. 

“That will never work!” is not helpful data—it’s a baseless judgment. “I’m concerned that we don’t have the resources to make this happen” is helpful data that could influence how you move forward. When you ask for concerns, you’re asking people to be thinking about what they are worried about and why.

Finally, by asking for suggestions, or asking “What did we miss?”, you can get a lot of input that you simply didn’t have access to before this moment. 

Put the 3 questions together and this is where the magic happens! You’ll have input that will help you make a decision that’s fueled by the thinking of the people who will likely have to implement it or live with the consequences of it. 

Remember, people are more apt to get behind a decision that they helped to make, and you’ve given them that opportunity by asking these 3 simple questions.

Benefits, Concerns, Suggestions—an amazing way to teach people how to give input in ways that you can use.

Next time you’re about to make a decision that will impact the people around you (your team, your organization, your family), ask them our 3 simple questions and get them engaged in its success.

You’ve got this!
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

If you’re a new manager and would like 1:1 coaching to help you be a kick@ss leader with your team, we’d love to talk with you. Click here to contact us today.
 
 
 

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Revealing Your Inner Beauty

We were so touched by your responses to our recent post, Broken. It’s powerful to realize that we’re all broken in life in many different ways and celebrating how we’ve put ourselves back together is an important part of honoring how our brokenness has contributed to who we are now.

This week we want share with you a way to think about life’s challenges and the difference between those that get you closer to your internal beauty, and those that just beat you up.

Please don’t take this absolutely literally – we’re not gemologists after all – but as a metaphor it’s a pretty interesting way to think about your life.

When rubies and sapphires and many other precious gems come out of the ground they’re encased in rock and look pretty gnarly. To get to the gemstone, the rocks are tossed into a tumbler with other stones of equal hardness so that as they tumble, the rocky exterior and dirt get knocked off and the beauty of the stone within is revealed. 

If the gems are put into a tumbler with other stones that are too soft, the rocky exterior won’t be knocked off. And, if they’re put into the tumbler with stones that are too hard, they’ll be broken apart and crushed by the other rocks.

People are like those stones.
We all have some rocky exterior that keeps us from shining.

As we live our lives, we bump into people and things that knock some of that dirt and rock off of us. We’re all tumbling through life’s situations that are either soft on us, hard on us or just perfect, just as the tumbler is on the gems.

If we don’t challenge ourselves enough, we never get to the true essence of who we are. If we put ourselves into situations that are too challenging we can find ourselves emotionally and sometimes physically decimated.

If we’re lucky, we have a good friend or two who bump into us just hard enough to help knock off the rocky exterior as we do the same for them.

This week, we’d like you to think about the tumble that is your life. 

  • Are you playing too small and too easy to bring out the best of you?
  • Does it challenge you to sparkle and shine?
  • Are you in too many situations where you’re getting beaten up and beaten down?

Once you have a sense of this, you can seek out opportunities that will bring out the most beautiful part of your inner being without crushing the gem within.

Take care of yourself,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

We’re here to help.
Contact us today if you’d like to learn more about our coaching services.
 

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Rules to Live By

 

When Linda was in graduate school in psychology, she was influenced by an amazing family therapist, Cloé Madanes, who wrote an article on parenting that Linda found life-changing.

The article talked about the fact that children deal with many rules from their parents and that those rules often change, making it extremely hard for kids to know what’s really important.

Madanes suggested that parents need to land on 3-5 rules so that kids know what is expected of them, parents know what to look for to determine compliance, and kids learn to negotiate with their parents within their rules.

So, when Linda became a parent, she came up with 3 rules for her children: 

  1. You can’t hurt yourself. 
  2. You can’t hurt others. 
  3. You can’t hurt property.  

Some families have rules about participating in family events, expectations about grades, or any of range of other priorities—but the goal with these rules is to limit them to 3-5 and have them last through childhood. The “you can’t hurt yourself” rule of Linda’s meant something quite different when her kids were little compared to when they had their driver’s licenses. Yet, the rule itself was the same. 

This clarity empowered her kids and as they got older, they learned to negotiate with her for permission to do an activity on the basis that their choice “didn’t hurt them, others, or property.”

Think about your own experience of rules. We’ve all had bosses who seemed to have a ton of rules—sometimes rules that were contradictory or changed mid-project—which left you confused and unable to be truly successful.  

As a leader or manager, sharing your 3-5 rules with your team can really increase your effectiveness. Remember, managers, like parents, are responsible for the success of others. Consider these guidelines to teach your teams your 3 – 5 rules:

1) Identify the 3-5 Rules that will set the standard for how the person you’re managing can demonstrate success. 

Here are some examples of rules that our clients have come up with:

  • My team needs to:
    • Be clear about the rationale for decisions.
    • Come to me with the problem defined and an initial idea for solving it.
    • Own success, and when it’s not happening, demonstrates a sense of urgency and clarity about getting it right.
    • Bring me in if there is a risk to the department or the organization.
    • Care as much about relationships within the organization as they do about results—and aim for excellence in both.

2) Sit down with the people you’re managing and let them know the 3-5 Rules that will guide your assessment of how things are going.

Tell them that they can count on you to let them navigate independently within the boundaries of these rules. And let them know that if they fail to work within these rules, you’ll discuss it with them since it indicates a problem.

3) Document what you’ve said in a summary to your team.

And, use them, over and over and over again.

 

Knowing what truly matters to you as a manager, will increase your effectiveness. Sharing your 3-5 rules with others empowers them; they know what you’ll hold them accountable to and they can ask that you give them room to navigate within the boundaries of those 3-5 rules. 

This week, try to notice what really matters to you, what you actually look for to measure success, and what you need from others to feel confidence in them. Your clarity will help you and others to shine.

Until next time,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

You’re smart, you’re capable, and still… you’re overwhelmed!  

We know how hard it is to rise above the overwhelm. That’s why we created an incredible 5-week online program called Overwhelmed to Outstanding for you, where you’ll learn the techniques for determining your passions and priorities and living them every day.

Because you’re a valued member of our Monday Morning Business Coach community, we’re offering this special program to you today at a VIP rate of just $9.97 when you use CODE: O2OSPECIAL at checkout! 

 

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Broken

Image by Haragayato, used under a CC 4.0 license. Kintsugi bowl with cracks filled in with gold.

Many of us spend a lot of time trying to hide the ways that we’re broken. We hide the wounds we have from our family of origin, we hide the ways we feel stupid or unsure, and we’re always trying to cover up the wrinkles and age marks that reveal that we’ve lived.  

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Of course we do!” And, it’s true that for many people it’s simply too scary to show the world your scars and the glue you’ve used to put yourself together.

So, here’s a little known fact: there is a whole art form focused on drawing the eye to the broken aspect of pottery, and then celebrating it.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could start doing that with our own brokenness?
 

Wikipedia describes this art form, Kintsugi, as “the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum…” Gold, silver, or platinum! That is so unlike what we do with our personal brokenness. 

The description goes on to say, “As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.”

What if our cracks and wounds could be made beautiful, celebrated, and even honored as one of the many things that helped us to become our current self?

As we say this, we’re not asking you to celebrate trauma, abuse, or the losses that you have experienced, but we are suggesting that the ways you’ve learned to move through those traumas and the ways you found strength through adversity are worth celebrating.

Take a few minutes this week to think about the places where you feel broken and what it would look like to you if you celebrated the ways in which you put yourself back together.  

And, if you’re able, consider how you’d show up in the world if you deeply honored and respected the ways you had repaired yourself. Imagine how much taller you would stand if you thought of yourself as heroic, brave, and tenacious! 

We’ve been doing this work for several decades and this is what we know:

We all get broken in the course of a lifetime.
 

Fame, wealth, status… none of those things make a difference—we all have wounds. Hiding your scars can keep you isolated and can make you think that you alone are broken.  

If you find yourself still lost in your wounds, it may be necessary to find a professional coach, therapist, or clergy member who can support you as you grieve what you lost when you were broken, and then support you in celebrating how you put yourself together.

We see your strength,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

We're here to help.
Contact us today if you'd like to learn more about our coaching services.
 

Image by Harayagato, used under a CC 4.0 license.

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Leading When Times Are Tough

leading when times are tough

Today we’d like you to spend some time thinking about how you can lead your life and lead in your life.

Our short exercise below can help you to:

  • live in alignment with your purpose
  • have some influence and control over your day-to-day life
  • have a sense of connection and camaraderie
  • have opportunities for doing good work and believing your work is meaningful
Step into your own leadership.
 

The power of intentionally leading in your own life gives you a sense of control and authority—which can counter burnout.

Often leadership is thought of as a role or title. Really it’s a way of being in the world that lets you effectively lead your life and lead in your life.

Our Leader in You framework has 3 key steps to help you take back a sense of authority and control in your life and work. These are extremely important in preventing and recovering from burnout.

1. Pause

2. Reflect

  • Reflect in a way that gives you powerful information on what you are afraid of in life or in a particular situation.
  • Then think about how you typically react to fear and what you’d do if you felt safe, confident, and fueled.
  • Then do that!

3. Act with POWER

  • Consider what’s Possible in the situation.
  • Own why it matters to you to reconnect with your purpose.
  • Create some We-focused goals (goals that you can share with others in your life).
  • Enable action (movement toward what matters to you is healing and fueling).
  • Review and Refine so that you learn from what worked and didn’t work.
  • Then do it again!

You can do this! It will take practice, but your life will be forever changed if you step into your leadership and your power.

To help you remember these steps, download our helpful action guide and pocket card by clicking below.

Click to download the Leader in You pocket card.

Click here to download the Leader in You pocket card.

Please select the “Actual size” option when printing the pocket card.

 

Hugs,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

If you find that you’d like an ally and partner to help you put all of this into action, contact us today to learn more about our coaching services. We’re here to help.
 

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Beating Burnout

light through the tunnel - beating burnout

Last week we talked about the fact that chronic overwhelm can lead to burnout. Today we want to share some thoughts with you about what to do if you notice yourself getting burned out.

It’s helpful to remember that burnout is in many ways a response to depletion.
 

Think about it: you wouldn’t sit in your car and expect it to work without gas, or sit in front of a wood-burning stove waiting for the warmth without putting in wood! Yet, we often ask ourselves to keep going without the fuel we need to actually keep going.

Telling yourself to “get it together” will work from time to time, but it won’t work over the long haul. You must do the things that fuel you even when everything in your being says there isn’t enough time or that there are other more important things to do.

The research is clear that you’re less likely to get burned out when you do things throughout your day that:

  • are aligned with your purpose
  • have some influence and control over your day-to-day life
  • have a sense of connection and camaraderie
  • give you opportunities to do good things and feel that those things are meaningful

This week, we’d like you to explore some Key Ways to Beat Burnout and Refuel Yourself.

Key Ways to Beat Burnout and Refuel Yourself

  1. Reconnect with your personal purpose.

    Ask yourself what matters to you in your life and what you hope your impact will be.

    If you have been charging ahead, doing, doing, doing and haven’t looked up to articulate your sense of purpose and the goals and priorities that matter in your life, take time now to write them down.

    And if you haven’t yet written to Heather for a simple, powerful exercise that will help you identify what really matters to you, do it now. It will help.

  2. Build resilience.

    If you’re not taking care of yourself, you can experience a profound loss of control, and it’s erosive to your energy. Think about resilience in the following 3 areas and then start working with one area where you can make a dent.

    • Physical: sleeping, eating, moving
    • Emotional: connection, engagement with like-minded others, meditation, mindfulness, coaching, therapy, take time to grieve losses or setbacks
    • Cognitive: read a book, participate in discussions, take a class (in person or online), attend a conference that reminds you of how smart and talented you are

  3. Build connection and camaraderie.

    Nurture relationships that matter to you. If you don’t have the relationships that you’d like in your life, considering joining a group or an effort that interests you. Whether it’s work relationships, a church community, a hiking group, or a volunteer day, when you find ways to meet people that have shared interests you’ll likely find new friendships.

    Knowing that you’re contributing positively in the world adds personal meaning to your life. The connection and camaraderie that comes from collaborating with others can make a significant difference in preventing and beating burnout.

It’s really important to only start with 1 or 2 things. Don’t try to tackle this entire list or you’ll get burned out beating your burnout! Remember, small consistent steps on your behalf will take you far.

You’ve got this,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

If you’d benefit from an ally standing shoulder to shoulder with you to support you in beating burnout in your life, contact us about our coaching services.
 

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Chronic Overwhelm will Burn You Out

Depressed burned out woman.

This year we’re focusing on how to help our clients move from Overwhelmed to Outstanding. Today we want to talk with you about a very serious topic: how chronic overwhelm will cause you to burn out.

What is Burnout?

Burnout is a very real set of physical symptoms, cognitive challenges, and emotional reactions that can be quite debilitating—in some cases even lead to depression and suicide. And the tricky part about it is that it can come and go, making it hard to believe you need to pay attention to it, especially when you’re feeling “better” about things.

Trickier yet is that it often manifests as the experience of personal failure versus a response to chronic stressors and depletion. This makes it hard for those of us who pride ourselves on being strong, determined, and passionate to acknowledge that we’re starting to burn out.

Symptoms of Burnout

Generally, burnout has three main components:

1. Lack of Energy

People feel exhausted and drained—exhausted to the point where they find they struggle doing the normal activities of life.

2. Cynicism/Objectifying Self and Others

People find that they start treating themselves and others more as objects or tasks on a to-do list rather than people and connections.

3. Sense of Failure

People start to believe that they’re ineffective, haven’t and can’t accomplish what matters to them, and that things will never get better.

Being Burned Out

Any one of these things can be challenging, but the three together can leave people feeling trapped in circumstances that they can believe are insurmountable.

If left unmanaged, burnout can lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, addiction, and in the most extreme cases, suicide.

When you’re stressed, exhausted, and numb, it makes sense that you may feel like a failure… not because you are, but because your body, mind, and spirit have hit a wall with the stressors in your life.

Preventing burnout, catching it early, or treating it when it’s full blown is really important.

Please, please, please, if you are worried about yourself as you read this, reach out to someone for support, call a therapist, or talk to a coach. If you feel suicidal, get to an emergency room, call a suicide hotline, or ask someone to stay with you until you can get support.

It’s important that you don’t ignore your pain.

Next week we’re going to focus on Beating Burnout so you can intervene in ways that bring you back to life.

Hugs to you,
Your Coaches and Allies at Carpenter Smith Consulting

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  • About the Authors

    Carpenter Smith Consulting

    Linda Carpenter and Stephanie Smith started Carpenter Smith Consulting in Portland to support individuals and teams who dream about having the power, impact and influence to create success and meaning in ... Read full profile
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