Donuts are basically poison. I’ll take two.

Social media is great at reminding me that we really love to celebrate made up holidays. Oh and that 90 percent of them give us excuses to shovel more high-calorie swill down our collective recycling center intake valves.

We need the encouragement here in America, a day or two for all us squares to just CHILL OUT with the good choices. We all need a break from our usual collective diet of clean proteins and vegetables and plenty of water.

National IPA Day. National Burger Day. Recently: National Running Day. (To throw us off the scent that this scheme is really all about garbage food.)

Oh, and National Doughnut Day is today. Raise your fried sugar circle and rejoice.

Or don’t. At first, anyway. Be like me and try your hardest to be the authority on these velvety Heartburn Bombs™, only to fail.

Do a quick Google search and see that one basic doughnut has about 30 percent of the day’s recommended value of saturated fat. Look at the CDC website and see that childhood obesity levels have more than doubled over the last 30 years, that the numbers among adolescents have quadrupled.

Summon fake rage as you try to find some silver bullet fact that shows the treats are SOLELY RESPONSIBLE for this epidemic. Devour the ORGANIC apple you BROUGHT FROM HOME in smug self satisfaction. Because you’re ABOVE IT, man. Your high horse – high WINGED UNICORN – is made of kale and blueberries and quinoa.

Let THEM eat cake. And only them.

Then get to the point where you’ve thought about doughnuts so much where you just go and buy one anyway. Make that two. A maple creme and a glazed with vanilla frosting and sprinkles. Because sprinkles rule, that’s why.

Eat them triumphantly. Send ’em on a ride down the Chocolate Milk River. Kale-Blueberry-Quinoa High Horse Guy was boring and pretentious and does Crossfit and says “bro” too much. Ugh. You HATE Kale-Blueberry-Quinoa High Horse Guy.

Follow this up with stomach-churning regret. Because you’re 31, not 21. Not running 90 miles a week like you used to in college. Not equipped with a metabolism that’s basically a flamethrower.

“Worth it,” you say, lying.

“LOL,” your stomach/soul says.

Then feel guilty the rest of the day.

Happy National Doughnut Day, guys. Seriously.

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