HAIKU MONDAY: On Unruly hikers, dirty water laws and Satanic Steelhead.

By Mark Freeman | Published: August 30, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack remains puzzled why soooo many visiting queens, princesses and their attaches are all walking their dogs on the Jacksonville Woodlands trails?

They have to have diplomatic immunity if they all believe that leash laws are for other people’s dogs, not their precious little yippers.

Leash your dog, Goofballs./It’s a law for all you mutts/And bluebloods alike.

For Haiku Monday virgins, this is when Fish Hack busts out a few non-rhymes about whatever outdoor crap is on the frontal lobe this day, and it’s in the form of bad Japanese poetry.

Major pet peeve of Fish Hack is these morons who don’t leash their damn dogs and let them run amok on the trails and in the woods.

Keep them on the leash and on the trail. If not, your Fido might start killing young quail just off the trail.

But perhaps Hack wouldn’t be so hacked off if he could burn some BTUs by going fall chinook salmon fishing on the Rogue River.

The on-going removal of  Savage Rapids Dam has kept the middle Rogue muddy and marginally fishable downstream of the old dam site…which happens to be Hack’s favorite chinook haunts.

Gotta wait for the silt to abate.

Yeah, that sucks. But that’s life.

That’s why Fish Hack’s keeping a close eye on the lower Rogue’s halfpounder counts. Lots of these little Satanic Steelhead moving into the lower Rogue in the past two weeks.

Time to hit Agness with a fly rod and a handful of Red Ant streamers to catch these immature steelhead unique to the Rogue.

Wanna learn more about halfounders, how to fish for them around Agness and a cool video on how biologists count halfpounders? Click HERE.

Love catching those stubby steelhead.

Rogue’s halfpounders rock./So much fun, Hack forgives mutts/That crap on his lawn.

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THREE-WORD THURSDAY: Unnecessary. Inconsistent. Sucks.

By Mark Freeman | Published: August 26, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Three-Word Thursday, where Fish Hack has room for everyone except those annoying people who set the horn level on their automatic card-door lock extra loud and wait until they’re 40 feet away to hit “lock.”

You people make more unnecessary noise than Tax Deduction No. 2 singing with her iPod on.

And don’t chalk that up to automatic door-lock envy talkin’ by a dude who’s rig will be old enough to drink this fall.

Try pushing the little “lock” button on the door, will ya?

Must sound strange, this etiquette lesson from someone who writes the word “douche” in his blog every few weeks just because he can.

But Fish Hack is nothing if not inconsistent.

Inconsistent is also a good word for fall chinook salmon fishing now on the Rogue River, where the removal of Gold Ray Dam quite literally has mucked up the picture.

Regular sediment flow from the demolition site has muddied the middle Rogue enough that fall chinook anglers need rattling K-15 Kwikfish plugs just to get their attention.

“Our water sucks,” opines Dave Bradbury from Bradbury’s Gun and Tackle shop in Grants Pass.

Hardly a ringing endorsement to travel past the upper Rogue, where summer steelhead fishing is anything but that.

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HAIKU MONDAY:

By Mark Freeman | Published: August 16, 2010 | 0 Comments

Paintball -- off to warWelcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is still sleepin’ off the residuals from eight days in Pennsylvania.

Of course it was to visit family. No one goes to Pennsylvania on purpose for any other reason, right?

Keystone state’s just fine/If you don’t know Oregon./Life is better here.

For you Haiku Monday virgins, this is where Fish Hack waxes on and waxes off about whatever comes to mind, but in the form of bad Japanese poetry.

Just a goofy idea to make this-here blog stand out somehow in the cyber world.

“Dare to be stupid.”/Not a slogan, a life choice./Hack makes dorks look cool.

Sure, the humidity’s gone and the Visa bill hasn’t tracked me down yet. That leaves just the paintball welts as the residual afterbirth of the Fish Hack Family Vacation back east.

Tax Deduction No. 1 spent the family paintball ware shooting Dear Ol’ Dad in every appendage  and soft-spot imaginable.

Those suckers sting, but the aftermath is like getting a chest-hickey from a lamprey…round and red, with teeth marks.

But we did manage to pose for a family terrorist photo, in true Patty Hearst fashion. Check it out.

The dude on the far right actually is an Iraq vet, my cousin Tim George. But he was the worst paintballer because, well,  he shot like the Army Reserve attorney that he is.

First one to pick Fish Hack out of the crowd wins used office supplies from Hack’s desk. An unused 2006 calendar, perhaps? Or half a Post-It pack.

Find Hack, win prizes./Like Waldo, with attitude/ And no stupid hat.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Burning Lakes, Frizzy Bald Guys and the Pitfalls of Vacations

By Mark Freeman | Published: August 9, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack finally is back after a vacation. And just what do outdoor writers choose as the get-away-from-the-toils-of-work location?

We go sit in other people’s cubicles. You know, just to get away from the grind.

Vacation do’s, don’ts:/Do break ties to the office./Don’t fish…That’s like work.

For Haiku Monday virgins, this is when Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes about the outdoors in the form of bad Japanese poetry. That’s because good Japanese poetry is harder.

Spent eight days in the steam room known as Pennsylvania, visiting Hack’s East Coast family and over-indulging in just about everything imaginable.

Lessons learned?

No. 1 – Lake Erie no longer is on fire. Actually, it was the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland that burned in the 1970s, not Lake Erie. But Urban Myths survive and thrive in blogs, so there you go.

No. 2 – It rains daily in PA. When it’s not raining, it’s only 87 percent humidity. Even bald guys get frizzy in that.

No. 3 – Smart people don’t appreciate stupid haikus.

Family members gape/At thought of Haiku Monday./Hack’s disowned. Again.

No. 4 – It costs $35 to buy two sandwiches, two bagels and a fruit cup at the Denver airport. They could at least have given me a chance to relax first.

No. 5 – One blog alone isn’t enough to qualify the entire trip as a tax deduction. So look at Thursday’s Oregon Outdoors section for a story on a non-burning lakes as a travel piece, expensive airport fare as a dining column and humidity-friendly hair do’s as a trend story.

Gotta feed the beast/Fake Uncle Sam on taxes./Hope Feds don’t read this.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Lightning, Belching and Betting on the Pigs

By Mark Freeman | Published: July 25, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is looking for a better place to be during a lightning storm than standing in an aluminum driftboat on water waving around 10 feet of graphite.

Just waiting to go Ben Franklin on you.

Those who tempt lightning/Stare nature in its mean eye./Blink, you end up smoked.

For you haiku Monday virgins, this is when and where Fish Hack busts a few nonrhymes in the form of Japanese poetry just to get a few yucks in about the outdoors and tweaking the noses of poetry groups that stumble into this-here blog thinking there might be some legitimacy here.

They are, as Bogie says in “Casablanca,” misinformed.

Haiku Monday…belch./Catch steelhead, pound a beer…belch./Want real poems here? BELCH.

But the coup de grace of the week is that Fish Hack was able to avoid the Jackson County Fair without having to give the Tax Deductions each $50.

Now, Hack was tempted to hit it when word of the new pig races feature came up. But when it turned out there was no paramutual betting, it kinda lost relevance.

OK. Some of you Haiku Monday faithful might remember that the county fair has had unofficial pig races for years. They happen  every time the elephant ear stand opens for the day.

But if you’re racing real pigs on a track and you’re not letting us bet on them, you’re just leaning out the bacon.

And to quote Tax Deduction No. 1: “That’s just sick and wrong.”

Gotta bet on pigs./What’s a fair without gambling?/Oh, “Family fun.” Huh?

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Friendly Steelhead, Driftboats and Bubblegum Worms

By Mark Freeman | Published: July 19, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is busy waiting for the sun to lower so he can put the hurt on some Rogue River summer steelhead.

These night fishing trips rock.

Evening on the Rogue./Sun goes down, steelhead get hot./Sleep. Wake. Work. Repeat.

For you Haiku Monday virgins, this is the day Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes about the outdoors in the form of 15-syllable Japanese. Why? It’s a friggin’  BLOG GIMMICK, people.

And three lines is about as poetic as Fish Hack can get.

Fish Hack poetry:/Limmericks bathed in cuss words/Sure feels about right.

Now that everyone on the Rogue is SICK SICK SICK of trying to get a damn spring chinook salmon to bite, we welcome with open nets the Rogue’s early-run summer steelhead.

Sure, they’re only 3-10 pounds, but the actually bite. Regularly. They are aggressive, fight great and all the wild ones get released. Of course.

The rule of thumb is, when there are 500 summer steelhead over Gold Ray Dam, it’s time to fish for them in the upper Rogue.

Streamer flies, nymphs, worms, crayfish plugs, roe … even pink rubber worms that smell like bubblegum. They ALL work for summer steelhead when fished in riffles from driftboats.

The only way to go.

A Dude and his boat:/ Bonds not easily broken./Don’t sell ‘em, sink  ‘em.

Already, there are more than 1,700 of these silver suckers up here. So it’s on the river by 5:30, fishing until 9 every night Tax Deduction No. 2 doesn’t have soccer practice.

Happy times.

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THREE-WORD THURSDAY: Teenagers. Pollen. Twitter.

By Mark Freeman | Published: July 14, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Three-Word Thursday, where Fish Hack remains more than confused why the phrase “Don’t put your friend in the sofa-bed and fold it up” now must be added to the list of activities Tax Deduction No. 1 and his friends aren’t supposed to do in Hack’s living room.

Friggin’ teenagers. At least they put the smallest of the three in the bed lengthwise before folding it up, ramming it back into the sofa frame and putting the cushions back on.

Teenagers. Pollen.

That’s one way to kill time while waiting to figure out today whether the massive green mats floating in Diamond Lake are toxic blue-green algae or, of all things, pine pollen.

The lake was pea-green soup Sunday, looking a lot like it was suffering from the first blue-green algae bloom since tui chub were eradicated  from it in 2006.

If so, that would be a huge setback for the lake, whose excellent water quality is one reason it grows lots of insects that support the best trout fishery in Oregon.

Results of Monday’s water tests should be available today.

Chances are, it’s a mixture of both some sort of algae and pollen.

Visibility in the lake was back up to a little more than 9 feet, which suggests it was more pollen in the mix than anyone could have imagined.

Kind of like the new sofa-bed restriction.

Sign up to follow Fish Hack on Twitter and you’ll be the first to learn the results.

Find Fish Hack at twitter.com/MarkcFreeman

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HAIKU MONDAY: ON D-Lake, One Big Trout and Algae.

By Mark Freeman | Published: July 11, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is busy pondering this question: If a Tax Deduction falls when it’s the X’s day to take care of him, can you hear him scream?

Gert hurt on her time./No need to fund the co-pay/If it ain’t Hack’s day.

For Haiku Monday virgins, this is when Fish Hack busts out a few non-rhymes about the outdoors in Japanese poetry fashion.  Making fun of two genres at once.

Much like if the Tokyo Haiku Society started knocking on Fish Hack. Maybe they’d do it like this…

Ahhh, Fish Hack. You Suck./Your lame rhymes have no merit/And poor conclusions.

Can’t help it. Got algae on the brain.

Fished Diamond Lake on Sunday. What a disappointment. An algae bloom kicked up big-time in the past two days.

Got there at 12:30 p.m. Caught and released four in the first hour, also killing an 18-inch fattie. Then a huge wave of algae water hit us, and the bite was all but off.

The whole lake looked like watered-down pea-green soup by 4 p.m. Had to bail.

Check Oregon Outdoors this week to see if the bogus water is blue-green algae or just the result of  a bunch of kids peeing in the resort swim area.

Came to kill big trout./Left with one pig, skeeter bites./I call this … working.

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THREE-WORD THURSDAY: Underwhelming. Melodrama. Dishonor.

By Mark Freeman | Published: July 8, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Three-Word Thursday, where LeFish Hack is planning a one-hour special on ESPN at 9 p.m. EST to announce whether I plan to fish for chinook salmon or summer steelhead Friday on the Rogue River.

The suspense is underwhelming.

This whole LeBron James crap has more melodrama than prom night.

So in homage to tonight’s basketball theater, Fish Hack will be floating the Rogue from Shady Cove to Dodge Bridge, plying the riffles for summer steelhead that are now showing in great numbers.

Ugly Bug flies, copper crayfish plugs and maybe even a pink worm will get tossed toward these favorite sons of the Rogue. These steelhead are aggressive biters and the hatchery fish fast on the ‘cue.

And remember what Fish Hack preaches about hatchery steelhead … kill ‘em all. Legally, of course.

Because if you don’t, there are three things that could happen, and all three are bad.

First, it could die.

Second, it could reach Cole Rivers Hatchery and be part of what is expected to be an excess number of returning steelhead today.

Third, some other Jethro might catch it, kill it and barbecue it. And chances are, he’ll do that steelhead great dishonor by overcooking it.

So man up and turn those steelhead eyes into X’s. It’s the honorable thing to do.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Independence Day, Co-Pays and Nobel’s Blood-Powder

By Mark Freeman | Published: July 5, 2010 | 0 Comments

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is busy diggin’ Independence Day like most fathers of teenage boys. … Watching their Tax Deductions attempt to blow off a digit or two while messin’ with Alfred Nobel’s blood-powder.

When TD No. 1 asked for an extra $20 for more fireworks Sunday, I said I need it for the insurance co-pay.

Blowin’ off fingers/To honor nation’s birthday./That’s America.

For you Haiku Monday virgins, this is when Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes about the outdoors in the form of Japanese poetry. Three-line gassers about whatever the hell comes to mind because, after all, Fish Hack rolls with no filters on.

America’s Founding Fathers might not have been so loose with the First Amendment if they knew some day Fish Hack would butcher the English language in 17-syllable bursts like these haikus.

But then again, it’s pretty ironic that the Nobel peace prize, of all things, is endowed and named for the creator of dynamite, which is about the only thing TD No. 1 didn’t ignite the other night.

TNT, for me?/Blow that cul de sac to hell./What a holiday.

Took the Runts to Agate Lake for a little pre-blast crappie fishing. I know, it’s not salmon or steelhead fishing, which are Hack’s two loves. But dragging a crawler around the muddy lake created plenty of action for good-sized crappie and a few largemouth bass measuring about 12 inches.

Released them all. Damn lake’s probably just as infested with mercury as Emigrant Lake so those crappie didn’t get beheaded and breaded like their counterparts elsewhere.

Oh, well. But any Fourth of July that doesn’t involve bloody fingers is a good one. 

No mayhem on Fourth:/Fireworks, no citations./Kept my co-pay, too.

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