Welcome back to Three-Word Thursday, where Fish Hack is struggling to get home from Vegas by midnight tonight. Friggin’ bad weather puts Hack a day late getting home from the biggest gun show of the world, SHOT, in Las Vegas.

Won $50, but barely played. But soooo scored Mike Tyson leaving town.


So Hack is hanging at the Vegas terminal when Tyson stands next to Hack in line.

Ultra-Dude is a butt-hair shorter than Fish Hack, but when he extends his right hand, it’s less shake and more vice.

“Just left Vegas, Champ, and didn’t steal your tiger,” Hack blurts, figuring to be White Guy No. 1,122,328 to make that unique reference.

“Courf not,” Tyson says.

While Mike lingers, a quick text to The Most Significant Other solicits some solid Big Mike advice.

“Just keep your ears covered,” she texts.

(If you losers miss this obvious reference, Google Tyson and Ear and get with the program).

With earlobes intact and apparently not threatened, Fish Hack re-engages Tyson on the plane.

“Champ, only bought your fights,” Fish Hack jabbers like a dork.

Tyson grabs Hack’s left forearm, like he intends to floss with it.

His wife is nearby. He lets go.

Fish Hack tells Iron Mike that Hack took lunch money off his high school buds by betting on Tyson in his early fights. Bought a few Tyson  pay-per-views, too, biut ultimately confesses Fish Hack is first a Detroit boy and therefore always a Tommy Hearns dude.

Played pick-up basketball once with Hearns, Hack tells The Champ.

“Tommy always wore his shorts high,and pullled up and twirled them like this,”Tyson says, doing some strange gyrations in his seat. “But he can’t shoot a basketball.”

Fish Hack laughs, then tells Tyson a story: In a pick-up basketball game Hack once played with Hearns, everyone on the court knew Hearns sucked and was a hog but no one called him on it.

“Hearns’ next assist,” Fish Hack says, “will be his first assist.”

Nine-second lapse. Tyson giggles. Six more seconds run off life’s clock.

“Next assist his first?” Tyson says. “That’s funny.”










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  • Blog Author

    Mark Freeman

    I've underachieved as the Mail Tribune's Fish Hack since 1989. I can't help but find a few things to yuk about with pathetic regularity in the outdoors. My most treasured award? An OSHA citation for a messy desk -- Fire hazard. YEAH! Read Full
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