HAIKU MONDAY: On Twerkless Tuesday, Rainy Daze and When Lousy Means Good

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is pulling the clothes back on now that at least a little bit of rain is on the way.

That backyard twerking known as the Naked Rain Dance has yet to produce enough precipitation to wipe the shame off Hack’s cheeks. But it seems like a sympathy storm is on its way.

Enough already/Nature makes it rain this week/Just to keep Hack dressed.

For you few Haiku Monday virgins out there, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors with a few pieces of bad Japanese poetry thrown in as the schtick that keeps on schticking.

Gotta have a schtick/To stand out in cyber-world./Beats Pro Bowl streaking.

Hey, what’s a Pro Bowl without a streaker? Definitely won’t see one at the Super Bowl.

Even if some dude tries, with the cold being what it is…

At least there’s a serious rise in the flows forecast for the upper Rogue River, Hack’s home waters.

That trickle you see today — 1,273 cfs at the Gold Ray gauge — looks like it will jump to about 2,600 cfs Thursday before dropping quickly.

Now, that won’t bring a mess of steelhead into the upper Rogue just yet, but it will help draw winter steelhead from the lower Rogue into the Grants Pass area.

That means the Galice drift should be lousy with steelhead this weekend…and that’s a good thing.

Look up “lousy,” bro/Before you call Fish Hack dumb./Realize, Hack’s just old.

 

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Working Monday and Summers in Winter

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is living the dream at the Fish Wrap today, which is a work day in media-land.

No King holiday./Newspaper work trudges on/A manic Monday.

For you few Haiku Monday virgins out there, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors and whatever else comes to mind, with some bad version of old Japanese poetry tossed in as the schtick.

Spent part of the weekend playing with summer steelhead in winter, another grand oxymoron that makes being a steelhead bum worth the roe-stained fingernails.

Tried to run into one of what likely are a handful of early winter steelhead in the upper Rogue River, which is Hack’s home waters.

Saw one beauty roll in the Betts Hole, then popped a 26-inch spawned-out summer that got spared getting its eyes X’d out.

Still, no winter fish for Hack.

Summers in winter/So beats winters in summer./Seasonal mind-farts.

Would normally be boot-fishing around the lower Applegate River about now, but the water is so low that no winters have made it up there so far.

Fish Hack and Fish Wrap shooter Jamie Lusch will be checking out the Applegate this week for an Oregon Outdoors piece on what holds for the Applegate’s season this winter.

Check it out Friday.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Failed Rain Dances, Haiku Poaching and New Moves

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is back at the Fish Wrap trying to figure out how to get some water in these-here rivers now that naked rain dancing has failed to produce anything but a few misdemeanor arrests and some gawd-aweful Facebook posts.

Twerkin’ in the rain/Failed to bring water, steelhead./Plan B involves clothes.

For you few Haiku Monday virgins out there, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors, with some bad forms of old Japanese poetry thrown in as the schtick.

The schtick has stuck so long that it’s even getting emulated.

Here’s a Seattle Times story about an oceanographer who has distilled climate change into a series of — what else — haikus.

Check it out HERE.

Poaching Fish Hack’s schtick:/Sure hasn’t happened before/Doubt it will again.

Last week’s rains fell far short of what the Natural Resources Conservation Service expected, in terms of what it forecast for streamflows.

Despite all the expectations and hoopla, actual river flows came in at less than half of the forecasts. That sent steelhead bums nothing better to do than go back into the garage to bag empties.

With no new worth-while rains in sight for another week, Hack has shelved the Rain Twerk but needs a new dance that will open the skies, swell the rivers and get winter steelhead up and where they need to be.

Need a new rain dance/One that won’t lead to arrests/But will bring results.  

 

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THREE-WORD THURSDAY: Twerkin’. Rain. Winters.

After all those naked rain dances to break the dry spell in Southern Oregon, who would have known that a mere $7 investment would have kept Fish Hack from all that  twerkin’ for rain.

No rain for two months, then Fish Hack take The Most Significant Other’s car to the car wash and, boom, it was raining within the hour.

Twerkin’. Rain. Winters.

Never thought Fish Hack would see steelhead bums would be more geeked up about a half-inch of rain than Fish Hack finally putting his tongue back in his mouth. But the rain, and not the exposed taste buds, will get the steelhead season rolling on the Chetco and the Rogue rivers. Peak flows Sunday means time to hit the rivers.

As for the Rogue, there were four legit winter steelhead in the Cole Rivers Hatchery collection pond Wednesday, so the fish are coming. Usually if winters are comin’ early, they’re comin’ often — provided there’s water in Hack’s home waters.

 

 

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HAIKU MONDAY:On Low Water and Swayin’ for Rain

Welcome to the first Haiku Monday of the New Year, now that Fish Hack’s back at the Fish Wrap doing the naked rain dance that hopefully will swell Oregon rivers and put a start to the winter steelhead season.

Of course, the Rain Twerk doesn’t come with a selfie.

Naked dance for rain/Has worked in even drought years/No video, though.

For you Haiku Monday virgins, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors and whatever comes to mind. It’s sthe schtick that keeps on schticking and gets Hack the all-important web hits…even if they are from off-shore click-tank.

This is the first Monday after the driest calendar year on Medford history. And that has Hack’s driftboat stuck in the garage waiting for rain instead of on the Rogue River — Hack’s home waters.

Normally dragging guts for winter steelhead in the Galice area about now. No steelhead there, though, and for good reason.

Flows at Agness are at a putridly low 1,774 cfs this afternoon. That’s lower than fall drought levels and about a third of what it should be in January.

Looking a lot like ’92 and ’94, the last two  times Hack had to buff out for precip.

Great conditions to fly-fish for halfpounder steelhead, but come on, man.

Halfpounder water/Need more so steelheahead migrate/And get Hack’s boat wet.

Looks like the first rain in a while is on the horizon.

Good, cuz it would be nice to get dressed and outside again.

Naked rain dance works/Only if you believe it/Not if you see it.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Spinning Yule Logs and Summers in Winter

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where the yule log disappears counter-clockwise, cuz we’re not in South America.

Sick yule log jokes rock./Childish in holidays/The norm in movies.

For you few Haiku Monday virgins still out there, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors, and whatever the hell else comes to mind. Cuz it’s Hack’s blog, and we’re sticking to it.

Got a blog, you don’t./Who reads this crap anyways./Oh, you? That’s too bad.

Beautiful Sunday and nice two days headed into Christmas. Too bad we’re on the upper Rogue River, which happens to be Fish Hack’s home waters.

Nice to float and fish the upper Rogue, but we’re in the tweener times.

Summer steelhead are here, but it’s winter and they’re so dark now you wouldn’t smoke ‘em for your ex mother-in-law.

No winters here yet. Not for two months.

So it’s the winter of Hack’s discontent.

Summers in winter:/The great steelhead dilemma./Hack will pass, flush log.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Snow Daze, Glory Holes and WTH?

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is pissed that great babysitting service known as the Medford School District is taking another day off because local parents don’t know how to drive in snow.

Snow, ice on the roads?/Really? Drive like they aren’t there?/You should be grounded.

For you few Haiku Monday virgins out there, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazulian style about the outdoors and whatever the hell else comes to mind, with some bad forms of Japanese poetry sprinkled in for the schtick.

Cuz you gotta have a schtick to stick out in the cyber world.

Waking up to a temperature of 7 Sunday in Medford pretty much decided if steelhead were part of the weekend. Seven is a good day when it’s your catch, not your ambient air temperature.

Pipes didn’t freeze, but Hack’s jeans did on a hike in the Jacksonville Woodlands.

Too much slow to climb onto the new Glory Hole lid at the intersection of the Rich Gulch and Petard trails.

Missed the story Sunday? Check it out HERE.

Lids on Glory Holes./Got to protect weakest links./Check it out yourself.

Spent the weekend Driving Miss Most Significant Other around town.

Her Honda Civic that’s rides so low that Fish Hack feels like he’s about to get an asphalt enema just couldn’t cut it in the snow and ice.

Hack’s mega-pickup rocked it, for sure. FWD is a BFD when weather gets extreme.

Why buy four-wheel-drive?/Power all wheels or stay home/When town turns to ice.

 

 

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THREE-WORD THURSDAY: Charade. Bleacher. Chatter.

We’re back at Three-Word Thursday, where Fish Hack is hunkered down near the gas stove waiting for this cold front to disappear from Southern Oregon.

Coastal streams are low and clear, making what was a good chinook fishery take a hiatus. And Hack’s not interested in fighting 16-degree weather to catch late-run summer steelhead on the upper Rogue River, Hack’s home waters.

So it’s Tax Deduction No. 2′s basketball needs that have taken front seat in this charade known as Hack’s life.

Charade. Bleacher. Chatter.

Might as well earn another case of Bleacher Butt.

Snow is forecast for the Rogue Valley floor Thursday, albeit likely just a dusting. But the high won’t even hit 40 here until Monday.

That makes for a miserable weekend for steelhead locally.

Flows out of Lost Creek Lake remain at 1,150 cfs of 44 degrees. Add low and cold trib flows and you got poor conditions.

Don’t need a fish finder. Just listen for the steelhead’s teeth chatter to know where to cast.

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HAIKU MONDAY: On Cyber Monday and Retreads

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where every Monday is Cyber Monday

Cyber Monday’s here/Buy your crap on line today/It’s Amazon’s schtick.

For you few Haiku Monday virgins out there, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors and whatever the hell else comes to mind, with a few chunks of bad Japanese poetry forms flung in as Hack’s schtick.

Steelhead fishing is still holding on along the upper Rogue River, which happens to be Fish Hack’s home waters, thanks in part to another batch of retread steelhead. These excess fish recycled from Cole Rivers Hatchery to the upper Rogue are hatchery workers’ Thanksgivinig present to the steelhead bums around here.

Retread steelhead lore?/Hack named them “retreads.” It stuck./Shaking up the Rogue.

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HAIKU MONDAY: Turning Black Friday into Dark Friday

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is getting ready to flip the bird in the most holiday of traditions.

Nothing says over-indulgence than Thanksgiving, when over-eating is a requirement and football a staple.

Thanksgiving’s Hack’s fave:/Over eat, what Lions lose./Set your clock to it./

For you few Haiku Monday virgins, this is when and where Fish Hack waxes on and off non-Brazilian style about the outdoors and whatever the hell else comes to mind. The schtick is the bad forms of old Japanese poetry.

When you-all steelhead bums sleep off Thursday’s turkey, you’ll wake up to Black Friday. That means either standing in line well before sunrise to buy crap you don’t really want or…

You steelhead fish on the upper Rogue River, which is Hack’s home waters.

And for you, there’s Dave Pease turning Black Friday into Dark Friday.

Pease is the Cole Rivers Hatchery manager who plans to recycle more than 200 excess steelhead Wednesday from the hatchery back to Gold Hill, so you-all get another shot at these retread steelhead.

Granted, most are kinda dark. But it beats trying to wrangle Fred Meyer socks from some woman who needs mirrors to see her own feet.

So make a few turkey sandwiches and float the upper Rogue. It’s a steelhead bum’s way of flipping the bird a different way to Black Friday.

Black, no, Dark Friday:/Get up early, fish all day./Consume fish, not stuff.

 

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  • Blog Author

    Mark Freeman

    I've underachieved as the Mail Tribune's Fish Hack since 1989. I can't help but find a few things to yuk about with pathetic regularity in the outdoors. My most treasured award? An OSHA citation for a messy desk -- Fire hazard. YEAH! Read Full
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