Situation isn’t normal, but it’s all fouled up

By Robert Galvin | Published: August 26, 2010 | 0 Comments

Mike SorrentinoSo now I got a brand new dance
I need one more shot
I just need one last chance
I know I won’t get caught
I gotta make my last stand
This time I can’t be bought

Then again on the other hand
How much have you got?

The great, Portland-born folksinger Todd Snider had it right on the money in “Can’t Complain,” a lament dripping with knowing irony about the chances of one person to change hie or her situation in life.

Snider’s cockeyed pessimism came to mind when I stumbled across a story detailing how Mike Sorrentino, above, the Alpha male known as “The Situation”  on the MTV scripted reality show “The Jersey Shore,” will rake in $5 million from the series and endorsements this year.

A rundown from the TV Guide story:

“The 29-year-old self-proclaimed ‘guido’ currently makes close to $60,000 an episode for filming the Jersey Shore. … Then there are the event appearances, which rake in $15,000 to $50,000 each, which should total a million alone by year’s end.

“He’s releasing an abs fitness video, The Situation Workout, and a supplement line with GNC; has signed a deal to release an autobiography, ”Here’s the Situation”; has a GTL app, a rap song and a clothing line with Dilligaf; endorsements with Vitamin Water and Reebok; and is in talks to appear in feature films and other TV shows.”

Oh, and Vodka company Devotion is reportedly paying him $400,000 to be its spokesman.

For comparison, The Situation’s good friend Snooki only makes 30 grand an episode — which is a pittance compared not only to Sorrentino, but to the $250,000 a show raked in by Kate Gosselin. (I couldn’t find how much each of her eight props children make for their exploitation participation in the show.)

Five million dollars is a lot of money for hanging out with contracturally selected “friends” on the Jersey shore. Heck, it’s $2 million more than the property value of the 11 homes that burned to the ground this past week in Ashland.

Imagine how much money could be raised for those families, and the city itself, by creating a reality series and pitching it to a willing TV network. MTV might not do for Ashland, which is clearly a PBS community. Although, if such a show were on PBS, it would have to do a fundraising drive to fund its production, so it would be a wash financially.

Better yet, find a way to help in the wake of this disaster without resorting to selling your life (or dignity) to a reality show. Then again, on the other hand, how much has MTV got?

I’ve been listening to Todd Snider a lot lately. You should, too; it helps.

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Sometimes, The Stars Align

By Robert Galvin | Published: August 11, 2010 | 0 Comments

It’s a cosmic event of galactic proportions this week for stargazers. No, not the the Perseids meteor shower, although I’m sure that will be worth seeing as well.

The true event starts this weekend when the summer movie season presents us with a pair of openings that says everything there is to say about the crassness of mainstream entertainment in the early 21st century. For, you see, this week it’s the battle of “Eat Pray Love” vs. “The Expendables.”

“Eat Pray Love” is based off Elizabeth Gilbert’s best-selling memoir of finding herself again after a bitter divorce. The book is subtitled “One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia.” The movie stars food, travel, clothes, romantic lighting, mood music and Julia Roberts.

If it had just stopped there, that would be fine. Popular book, made into a summer film aimed at a particular audience, starring a popular actress. But auxiliary industries are starting up timed to the movie’s release. Thus, we’re seeing “Eat Pray Love” travel packages, recipe suggestions and fashion tips.

It’s a marketing machine hiding behind the search for inner peace. All it’s missing is an “Eat Pray Love” action figure.

Speaking of action figures, “The Expendables” decided to put them all in one movie. The mercenaries go hunting exlpodarama stars guns, knives, fireballs, blood, screaming, armored vehicles, and Sylvester Stallone.

And Bruce Willis. And (in a cameo) Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Mickey Rourke. And Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Jason Stratham, Randy Couture, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and, in a bit of weird irony, Eric Roberts, brother of Julia.

Things go boom in “The Expendables.” That’s pretty much the plot. There aren’t likely to be an “Expendables” dinner menu or clothing line.

The sitcom episode writes itself, actually, as the couple decides to go to the movies and trite hilarity ensues over whether to see one movie or the other. It’s Hollywood counter-punching at its finest. So, here’s a suggestion:

If you find yourself stuck in such a situation, compromise and go see the third major release this weekend, “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.” It’s the story of a young man who has to prove himself worthy of the woman he loves by conquering each of the bad boys of her past.

Something for everyone, and not a Roberts in sight.

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Hurry Up And Wait

By Robert Galvin | Published: August 3, 2010 | 0 Comments

Instant gratification takes too long.

Sp sayeth the prophet Suzanne Vale in “Postcards From The Edge,” the semi-autobiographical novel by Princess Leia that seems even more prescient now than it did when it was published in 1987 … long before the advent of blogs, nevermind Twitter, or goodness knows what comes next.

The obsession and addiction of Vale’s world was the state of induced nirvana brought about by drugs, not the pulsating rush of pumping out short witticisms to 500,000,000 of you closest friends across the Facebook universe. But the premise holds, and even though Carrie Fisher had Suzanne expouse her frustration at waiting during one of her many passages of rehab, consider it the same pause button as waiting for someone to return e-mail.

You remember e-mail, don’t you? That’s how we used to communicate before the advent of social networks and instant messaging portals that make the arrival of the “You Have Mail!” announcer seem as quaint as a dog barking down the street as the letter carrier made his rounds.

E-mail has fallen behind networking and game-playing as a reason for being on the computer. According to research from the Neilsen folks (who need something to do since no one watches television anymore), Americans devote 29% of their monthly computer time to social networks, blogs and instant messaging. E-mail — despuite the endless supply of company reports, spam and pleas from long-lost cousins in Nigeria – lags with a paltry 8 percent.

Sanity, as we learned in 1949 in “1984,” is not statistical, so it’s of little surprise that we’re allowing the incredible shrinking forms of communication to lull us into an ignorantly blissing state of groupthink. Internet groups are filled with notations such as “this” and “QFT” (Quoted for Truth) which signal agreement without having to actually, you know, add to the discussion. Gratification in less than an instant.

Twitter, meanwhile passed the 20,000,000,000 tweet mark over the weekend … HAZZAH! … as someone in Japan named ”GGGGGG_Lets_GO” coined this immortal phrase: “So that means the barrage might come back later all at once.”

Well, if you’re considering Tweets or Facebook posts, they do all seem to come back later at the same time; so, maybe GGGGGG_Lets_Go was onto something.

As for the lonely e-mail, one of the many I received this week — probably from a spambot bopa-a-lu a whop bam boo — was Zen-like in its simplicity … “116″ was all it said. A cryptic message about January 16 or November 6, perhaps. That would take too long to figure out. Instead, I decided it was a reminder to turn to Shakespeare, and sonnet 116:

Love’s not Time’s fool, sayeth the Bard … instant gratification need not apply, or hit the send button. 

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Sold: The teeth that saved the world

By Robert Galvin | Published: July 29, 2010 | 0 Comments

I’ve never been one for soliciting autographs because — when you think about it — once the famous person signs their name and you go your separate ways, how do you get others to believe that the name on the napkin you’re holding actually came from you say it did?

I did have coffee with Mel Gibson once. Well, Mel and I were in the same Starbucks at adjoining tables … but I’m going with the technicality and saying that, yes, we had coffee together. This, I suspect, you believe; since, really, who these days would use Mel Gibson as the subject of an anecdote unless it were true.

I didn’t ask him for an autograph, but when he left another coffee shop customer fetched Mel’s Frappucino cup out of the trash and left the store with it. You do wonder (although not very long or very comfortably) what that person was planning to do with the Frappuresidue.

I bring this up because, lately, odd items once belonging to the rich and famous have fetched quite handsome amounts of money at auction.

Don’t believe me? Well, just this week half a set of dentures belonging to Winston Churchill were worth $22,000 to someone. The uppers. Churchill, it seemed, found these false chompers to be of utmost importance — they hid a natural lisp and allowed The British Bulldog to deliver inspiring speeches with aplomb.

“These are the teeth that saved the world,” said Jane Hughes of London’s Hunterian Museum.

But $22,000 for chompers is a mere pittance compared to the $266,500 that someone out there paid to purchase a horse. Not just any horse, but Trigger — the faithful steed of television and movie singing cowboy Roy Rogers.

Yes, Trigger … the actual horse … who died in 1965 … and was then stuffed.

The auction of items from the estate of Rogers and Dale Evans also yielded $386,500 for Trigger’s saddle, and $35,000 for Bullet, Roy and Dale’s German shepherd … which also has passed on, and been stuffed.

Roy was faithful to a fault to his animal companions, but might have gone a bit far when talking about his own desires for the hereafter:

“When my time comes,” he once said, “just skin me and put me up there on Trigger, just as though nothing had ever changed.”

Thankfully, Roy wasn’t stuffed and mounted atop Trigger … or else who knows how much he would have gone for at auction.

Finally, there’s this cheery note. Tools supposedly used in the autopsy conducted on Elvis Presley were withdrawn last week from a Chicago auction when it was determined that the authenticity of the items could not be verified. (Remember what we said about verifying autographs? This would be harder.)

Valued at a bargain at $14,000, the items included rubber gloves, forceps, a comb, eyeliner and … take a deep breath … a toe tag. Questions about the legitimacy of the materials arose for two reasons. First, conflicting stories were uncovered about what happened in the morgue after the Elvis autopsy and embalming took place.

Also, as we all know, you can’t do an autopsy on someone who’s still among the living.

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As The Talk Show World Turns

By Robert Galvin | Published: July 21, 2010 | 0 Comments

The other day I read that Joy Behar (co-host of “The View”) had said on CNN’s ”The Joy Behar Show” that she disagreed with the support for Mel Gibson voiced by Whoopi Goldberg (co-host of “The View”), adding that Barbara Walters (high priestess of “The View”) would not want to have Gibson as a guest after his latest troubles.

Two things occurred to me: 1) Why in the world would Gibson want to go on “The View”? and B) That’s a lot of cross-promotion going on for the co-hosts of the ABC talkfest.

Then, the next day, Gibson was out of the picture for a minute as Behar and Elizabeth Hasselbeck (co-host of “The View”) disagreed over whether comments made by comedian Kathy Griffin about the daughters of Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown were funny or disrespectful.

Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner said it best: “I’d like to be cyncial, but it’s so hard to keep up.”

As a society, we talk too much, say too little and listen hardly at all. We’re all guilty, as we chat, post, blog, tweet, gab, IM, blabber and spout our way through the week. “The View,” at least, takes all of that in and manages to disperse it through five hours a week.

You could hardly ask for anything more … but television, being willing to push gibberish on blabber addicts, has found a way to give us more anyway.

Starting in September, CBS will broadcast a daily gabfest of its own … starring not four co-hosts of varying degrees of celebrity, and not five, but SIX co-hosts! That’s going to be one crowded coffee table set.

CBS said the hosts of the as-yet untitled daytime show include Sharon (Mrs. Ozzy) Osbourne; Sara Gilbert of TV’s “Roseanne” fame; Holly Robinson Peete from “Celebrity Apprentice;” Broadway actress Marissa Jaret Winokur; Leah Remini of “The King of Queens;” and Julie Chen, who hosts CBS’ “Big Brother” and “The Early Show.”

CBS spokesman Chris Ender put it quite well, saying “we think it has the potential to stand out and make some noise” … as if this were a good thing.

I know what you’re thinking (well, I know what I’m thinking): How are they going to have time to squeeze in the guests? But, of course, these shows have long since stopped being about the guests. They’re about the hosts, what the hosts have to say about the day’s news (and, more precisely, the pseudo-events that qualify as “news”) and what the hosts have to say about what the other hosts have said about the day’s pseudo-news.

The show this new CBS production is replacing on the schedule is “As The World Turns,” which for 54 years held an audience with its neverending tales of the lives of people in Oakdale, Illinois. Which seems appropriate, given that these talkfests have basically become soap operas of their own … filled with deceit and infighting and jockeying for power.

Sometimes more is better; sometimes, it’s just more. With six co-hosts talking, it probably won’t matter if anyone listens.

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The Tangled Web Of Matchmaking

By Robert Galvin | Published: July 14, 2010 | 0 Comments

“I dunno, she’s got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.”

That’s Rocky Balboa, talking to his pal Paulie, about why he’s found himself falling in love with the shy Adrian in the original “Rocky” film. Rocky may not be a smart man, but he knows what love is.

No, wait, that’s Forrest Gump. But the point still holds, and the concept of finding the “gaps” in a loved one has inspired the creation of, yes, another relationship-starter website … this one with a difference. OppositesConnect.com doesn’t want to find someone you’re, well, in harmony with; they want to pair you up with your opposite.

 “Everybody’s alike, and they all like the same things, lah-di-dah,” said site founder Larry Wilson, who quoted “Annie Hall” while telling the Chicago Tribune that he indeed did use the “Rocky” quote as a starting point for his site.

The site features a 75-question test that will find opposite personalities among those who sign up. It’s just another example of real life being inspired by art, or as close to “art” as “Rocky” gets, but it got us to thinking: There have to be other movie quotes worthy of spawning a matchmaking website.

Such as:

 “You had me at hello.”: A meeting place for folks who just don’t want to work too hard at the relationship thing. The “Jerry McGuire” comment is intended to melt your partner’s heart … but would you really trust someone who fell for you that quickly?

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”: A website operated by people who have never actually been in love. Movie-goers got all gushy about this moment in “Love Story,” but it was it’s use in the later film “What’s Up, Doc?” (said by Barbra Streisand, not Bugs Bunny) that hits home. Ryan O’Neal’s response (to Barbra, not Bugs or Ali): “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“You make me want to be a better man.”: This dinner-scene comment from “As Good As It Gets” is in here just so that we can rant about how stupid it is for Helen Hunt to fall not only for this line, but for Jack Nicholson’s misanthropic character. Obviously the website this spawns would be a parody site.

“Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.”: A site styled like the bar in “Casablanca,” where former flames would meet up in hopes of rekindling romance. Minus the Nazis, of course.

“The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.” … “You only had one date. How do you know it’s not going to get worse?”: A commiseration site, where those burned by awful dates can meet up with each other and, in the style of “When Harry Met Sally,” not friend each other because … as we all know … men and women can’t just be friends.

“Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn.”: Tried every other website out there in attempt to find a mate? Join the site of last resort, where folks just show up, chat up the first person they meet, then logout without leaving a forwarding e-mail.

As for OppositesConnect.com, its founder told the Chicago paper that the goal is to have “fun, interesting first dates, second dates, third dates, that hopefully will result in a relationship.”

“We’re not claiming science here,” says Miller, who’s single.

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And the nominee is … a Ty

By Robert Galvin | Published: July 8, 2010 | 0 Comments

Southern Oregon native Ty Burrell received some good news Thursday morning when the actor was nominated for a primetime Emmy Award for his role as Phil Dunphy in the hit ABC series “Modern Family.”

tyburrellBurrell, who was born in Grants Pass and studied theater at Southern Oregon University, is one of three “Modern Family” cast members nominated in the category of Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series — joining co-stars Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet.

Others nominated in the category are Chris Colfer of “Glee,” Neil Patrick Harris of “How I Met Your Mother,” and Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men,” who won in the category a year ago.

Burrell told E! Online that he still has a difficult time accepting success:

“I don’t know why I have a hard time letting those things sink in,” he said. “You get on your toes about needing to stay ready when you’ve been unemployed so frequently over a career. My default setting is be prepared for — not the worst, but to start from scratch. But yes, it feels incredible to have a little bit of it sink in and understand we’re all apart of something very special. I just feel incredibly lucky.”

“Modern Family” received 14 nominations in all, including one for Best Comedy Series, Supporting Actress nods for Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara, and a Guest Actor nomination for Fred Willard.

 The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards will be shown on NBC on Aug. 29.

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Long live The King, and others

By Robert Galvin | Published: July 6, 2010 | 0 Comments

It’s been a busy week for dead celebrities, so let’s not keep them waiting.

Starting at the top, we have The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll (and dead celebrities) himself, who will be coming to Medford later this month as he stars in his new movie. Yes, it’s Elvis Presley, starring in “Elvis on Tour: 75th Anniversary Celebration,” which will be shown at more than 460 theaters (also more than 450, but who’s counting) across the country … including at 7 p.m. July 29 at Tinseltown in Medford.

The film is a remix of Presley’s 1972 “Elvis On Tour” concert film, along with memories from the lovely Priscilla and a new montage from Martin Scorcese. The film celebrates the 75th anniversary of Elvis’s birth … but not the 33rd anniversary of his faked death, after which he was relocated by the witness protection program to the upper peninsula of Michigan, where he works as a Walmart greeter.

Not to be outdone, Elvis’s dead celebrity former son-in-law — Michael Jackson — continues to make records. Yeah, yeah, there’s more music to come out; but what’s really exciting is that it’s been determined that the late King of Pop has more Facebook fans – 15,048,539 to be exact – than any celebrity living or dead. Lady Gaga leads among living celebrities, running just ahead of Vin Diesel. Yeah, I don’t get that one, either.

One of the great friends of Michael’s life was the Princess of Wales, Lady Diana Spencer. Now calling Lady Di a dead celebrity might be seen as splitting hairs … which is a great segue into the news that you can now buy a 5-pound jar of preserves for $7.60  that is made with several ingredients — including one of the late Diana’s hairs.

“… the preserve is made by infusing a tiny speck of the late Princess of Wales’ hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk.”

Why are they doing this? That’s a really good question.

Finally, we come to Britney Spears. What, you didn’t know that the Miley Cyrus prototype Version 1.0 had died? Well, neither did she, apparently.

But that didn’t stop the Internet from going Gaga over the news that Britney had passed away and had either been cryogenically frozen, or that (and this is the good part) she had actually been dead for five years and that it was the Spears replacement double that had died last week in a suicide at a Malibu treatment center.

Can’t we just leave Britney alone? The poor girl died around this time last year — along with Harrison Ford, Miley Cyrus, Natalie Portman, George Clooney and Jeff Goldblum. None of whom actually died either.

Except in rumors on the Internet. Or in record sales, as the case may be.

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Tori, Tori, Tori

By Robert Galvin | Published: June 29, 2010 | 0 Comments

One of the great guilty pleasures in life is the celebrity autobiography. … Not to READ, mind you; just to look at on a store shelf, or in a bargain bin, or beneath the short leg of a coffee table.

Friends once gave me an autographed copy of “Accordian Man,” the celebrity memoir of Myron Floren, for so many years the musical mainstay of “The Lawrence Welk Show.” I never read a page of it, but it remained a cherished gift until the day it disappeared during a move from one place to another.

For every celebrity autobiography that might hold our interest, there are dozens that are … well … just there. “Vicki!: The True-Life Adventures of Miss Fireball” tells the story of Vicki Lawrence — co-star of “The Carol Burnett Show,” singer of “The Night The LIghts Went Out In Georgia” and, apparently, Miss Fireball. Burnett herself has a couple on the shelves, including this year’s show business memoir “This Time Together: Laughter and Reflection.”

Now, Carol Burnett is a certified legend, and her stories about her terrific career might well be worth the reading (or listening to her read on an audiobook). But, really, wouldn’t you rather have the memoir of Vicki Lawrence (or Myron Floren) on your shelf?

News releases over the past week or so tell us that we can expect memoirs shortly from Barbara Eden, Rob Lowe, Demi Moore and Ellen DeGeneres … although all pale in comparison to the recently published autobiography from Alison Arngrim.

You know, the dastardly Nellie Oleson on “Little House on the Prairie.” Arngrim, at least, has a sense of good cheer about her place in history, and has titled her tell-all “Confessions Of A Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson And Learned To Love Being Hated.” Now, THAT is a book to own.

Still, the reigning queen of the celebrity memoir is Tori Spelling … or should we say, ”The New York Times No. 1 Best-Selling Author” Tori Spelling? The daughter of legendary TV mogul Aaron Spelling, former castmate of the original “Beverly Hills 90210″ and star of a TV movie with one of the greatest titles of all-time (”Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”), Spelling is releasing “unchartered terriTORI.” 

It’s the 37-year-old’s third autobiography, following “sTORI telling” and ”Mommywood,” and reportedly will spill all the gossip about, well, what it’s like to have your career reduced to writing books about what your career has been reduced to.

I won’t read it, but TORI might look nice between Myron and Vicki.

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Why Walk When You Can Fly?

By Robert Galvin | Published: June 23, 2010 | 0 Comments

Every so often, you read about someone who has decided to walk across the country to gain a better appreciation for the land and its residents. Usually, there’s a charity involved; more often than not, a video camera.

That’s always made me wonder about the value of these walks. Not the charity part, the cameras. How can you truly “experience” anything when you’re being trailed by a camera crew and shot in panorama against the setting sun? Or, to quote Forrest Gump:

“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.”

It was just announced this week that another great hero is planning to walk across the country. Superman.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Why is Superman walking across the country when he could, you know, just sort of fly and … zip … her’ there?

He's walking

The folks at DC Comics provide the answer: Starting in July 2010, coinciding with the 700th issue of Superman, DC Comics will be celebrating this remarkable anniversary of America’s greatest hero with a historic journey…not to alien worlds or distant galaxies, but through the streets, roads, highways, homes, farms, suburbs, and inner cities of America.

The trip will take more than a year, as the Man Of Steel starts in Philadelphia and passes through Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, California, Oregon and Washington.

Sadly, Superman won’t be walking over the pedestrian bridge across Barnett Road, or from duck pond to duck pond at Lithia Park. His Oregon stop will be within a 50-mile radius of Portland, according to the folks at DC — who have a reader contest as part of the serialized journey.

“The series of issues will examine how Superman sees America, and how America sees Superman,” according to a press release. Strangely, Superman won’t be walking through his adopted home state of Kansas … although it’s hard to go home after becoming a star in the big city. Or a Metropolis.

He’s also ignoring the South, New England, both Dakotas and Arizona (where he might be accused of being an illegal alien). You’d think someone with Superman’s strength and endurance could manage the Lower 48, if not Hawaii and Alaska.

So, why is he doing it? Apparently (and here’s a shocker) to sell comic books. And that’s truth, justice and the American way.

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