It’s a cosmic event of galactic proportions this week for stargazers. No, not the the Perseids meteor shower, although I’m sure that will be worth seeing as well.
The true event starts this weekend when the summer movie season presents us with a pair of openings that says everything there is to say about the crassness of mainstream entertainment in the early 21st century. For, you see, this week it’s the battle of “Eat Pray Love” vs. “The Expendables.”
“Eat Pray Love” is based off Elizabeth Gilbert’s best-selling memoir of finding herself again after a bitter divorce. The book is subtitled “One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia.” The movie stars food, travel, clothes, romantic lighting, mood music and Julia Roberts.
If it had just stopped there, that would be fine. Popular book, made into a summer film aimed at a particular audience, starring a popular actress. But auxiliary industries are starting up timed to the movie’s release. Thus, we’re seeing “Eat Pray Love” travel packages, recipe suggestions and fashion tips.
It’s a marketing machine hiding behind the search for inner peace. All it’s missing is an “Eat Pray Love” action figure.
Speaking of action figures, “The Expendables” decided to put them all in one movie. The mercenaries go hunting exlpodarama stars guns, knives, fireballs, blood, screaming, armored vehicles, and Sylvester Stallone.
And Bruce Willis. And (in a cameo) Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Mickey Rourke. And Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Jason Stratham, Randy Couture, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and, in a bit of weird irony, Eric Roberts, brother of Julia.
Things go boom in “The Expendables.” That’s pretty much the plot. There aren’t likely to be an “Expendables” dinner menu or clothing line.
The sitcom episode writes itself, actually, as the couple decides to go to the movies and trite hilarity ensues over whether to see one movie or the other. It’s Hollywood counter-punching at its finest. So, here’s a suggestion:
If you find yourself stuck in such a situation, compromise and go see the third major release this weekend, “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.” It’s the story of a young man who has to prove himself worthy of the woman he loves by conquering each of the bad boys of her past.
Something for everyone, and not a Roberts in sight.

Burrell, who was born in Grants Pass and studied theater at Southern Oregon University, is one of three “Modern Family” cast members nominated in the category of Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series — joining co-stars Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet.
Situation isn’t normal, but it’s all fouled up
I need one more shot
I just need one last chance
I know I won’t get caught
I gotta make my last stand
This time I can’t be bought
Then again on the other hand
How much have you got?
The great, Portland-born folksinger Todd Snider had it right on the money in “Can’t Complain,” a lament dripping with knowing irony about the chances of one person to change hie or her situation in life.
Snider’s cockeyed pessimism came to mind when I stumbled across a story detailing how Mike Sorrentino, above, the Alpha male known as “The Situation” on the MTV scripted reality show “The Jersey Shore,” will rake in $5 million from the series and endorsements this year.
A rundown from the TV Guide story:
“The 29-year-old self-proclaimed ‘guido’ currently makes close to $60,000 an episode for filming the Jersey Shore. … Then there are the event appearances, which rake in $15,000 to $50,000 each, which should total a million alone by year’s end.
“He’s releasing an abs fitness video, The Situation Workout, and a supplement line with GNC; has signed a deal to release an autobiography, ”Here’s the Situation”; has a GTL app, a rap song and a clothing line with Dilligaf; endorsements with Vitamin Water and Reebok; and is in talks to appear in feature films and other TV shows.”
Oh, and Vodka company Devotion is reportedly paying him $400,000 to be its spokesman.
For comparison, The Situation’s good friend Snooki only makes 30 grand an episode — which is a pittance compared not only to Sorrentino, but to the $250,000 a show raked in by Kate Gosselin. (I couldn’t find how much each of her eight props children make for their exploitation participation in the show.)
Five million dollars is a lot of money for hanging out with contracturally selected “friends” on the Jersey shore. Heck, it’s $2 million more than the property value of the 11 homes that burned to the ground this past week in Ashland.
Imagine how much money could be raised for those families, and the city itself, by creating a reality series and pitching it to a willing TV network. MTV might not do for Ashland, which is clearly a PBS community. Although, if such a show were on PBS, it would have to do a fundraising drive to fund its production, so it would be a wash financially.
Better yet, find a way to help in the wake of this disaster without resorting to selling your life (or dignity) to a reality show. Then again, on the other hand, how much has MTV got?
I’ve been listening to Todd Snider a lot lately. You should, too; it helps.