It’s been a busy week for dead celebrities, so let’s not keep them waiting.
Starting at the top, we have The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll (and dead celebrities) himself, who will be coming to Medford later this month as he stars in his new movie. Yes, it’s Elvis Presley, starring in “Elvis on Tour: 75th Anniversary Celebration,” which will be shown at more than 460 theaters (also more than 450, but who’s counting) across the country … including at 7 p.m. July 29 at Tinseltown in Medford.
The film is a remix of Presley’s 1972 “Elvis On Tour” concert film, along with memories from the lovely Priscilla and a new montage from Martin Scorcese. The film celebrates the 75th anniversary of Elvis’s birth … but not the 33rd anniversary of his faked death, after which he was relocated by the witness protection program to the upper peninsula of Michigan, where he works as a Walmart greeter.
Not to be outdone, Elvis’s dead celebrity former son-in-law — Michael Jackson — continues to make records. Yeah, yeah, there’s more music to come out; but what’s really exciting is that it’s been determined that the late King of Pop has more Facebook fans – 15,048,539 to be exact – than any celebrity living or dead. Lady Gaga leads among living celebrities, running just ahead of Vin Diesel. Yeah, I don’t get that one, either.
One of the great friends of Michael’s life was the Princess of Wales, Lady Diana Spencer. Now calling Lady Di a dead celebrity might be seen as splitting hairs … which is a great segue into the news that you can now buy a 5-pound jar of preserves for $7.60 that is made with several ingredients — including one of the late Diana’s hairs.
“… the preserve is made by infusing a tiny speck of the late Princess of Wales’ hair with gin, which is then combined with milk and sugar to create a product with a taste resembling condensed milk.”
Why are they doing this? That’s a really good question.
Finally, we come to Britney Spears. What, you didn’t know that the Miley Cyrus prototype Version 1.0 had died? Well, neither did she, apparently.
But that didn’t stop the Internet from going Gaga over the news that Britney had passed away and had either been cryogenically frozen, or that (and this is the good part) she had actually been dead for five years and that it was the Spears replacement double that had died last week in a suicide at a Malibu treatment center.
Can’t we just leave Britney alone? The poor girl died around this time last year — along with Harrison Ford, Miley Cyrus, Natalie Portman, George Clooney and Jeff Goldblum. None of whom actually died either.
Except in rumors on the Internet. Or in record sales, as the case may be.
