How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

Of the many ingenious, humanitarian efforts spawned by the Internet — including Justin Bieber’s new line of nail polishes —  nothing had the simple genius of the attempt by Seattle resident James Burns to rid the world of Weezer.

Burns has set up a website asking for donations toward his goal of collecting $10 million — which he would then pay the alt-rock band to stop playing, stop recording, stop releasing their music, stop altogether. “I am tired of my friends being disappointed year after year,” he wrote. “I am tired of endless whimsical cutesy album covers and music videos.

“I beg you, Weezer. Take our money and disappear.”

“If they can make it 20, we’ll do the ‘deluxe breakup’,” Weezer drummer Patrick Wilson responded on Twitter … proving, once again, that drummers are the left-handed pitchers of rock bands.

It’s a rather brilliant scheme, recalling the early bit on “Saturday Night Live” when producer Lorne Michaels offered The Beatles $3,000 to reunite on the show. (“Split it up anyway you want; if you want to give Ringo less, that’s up to you.”) When George Harrison later appeared solo, Michaels gave him a check for $750.

Alas, Weezer relief is not to be. Wilson is suspending the attempt after raising about $400 and receiving death threats from the bands unrepentant fan base. Wilson is not downcast by this turn of events, explaining “I figured since the internet wasted so much of my time with all the ridiculous articles about the new Weezer album, I thought I’d return the favor and waste some of the internet’s time. … Boy howdy, did I succeed.”

Weezer, meanwhile, releases its next album, “Death To False Metal,” on Nov. 2, less than three months after it released “Hurley.”

If Wilson won’t reconsider his attempt to rid the world of Weezer, maybe he could turn his efforts elsewhere … maybe to Nicholas Sparks, or M. Night Shyamalan, or The Real Housewives of New York, New Jersey, D.C., Atlanta, Orange County and Beverly Hills, or Flo the Annoying Progressive Insurance Sales Clerk, or …

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    Robert Galvin

    Robert Galvin has been with the Mail Tribune since 1999. When he's not writing this blog about pop culture, or his weekly television column (The Little White Dot) for ... Read Full
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